Sometimes I love being a girl.

I have these days where all I want to do is lay around in my pj’s and shuffle around in my slippers. Such is the life and choice of a stay at home mom. Most days you’ll find me in jeans and a hoodie with my hair pulled up in a ponytail, not a single stitch of make up on. And thats how I like it. I’m a simple person. I cook, I clean, I run errands, and help my kids do their homework. I am horrible at math, but I have the vocabulary and reading skills of a double PhD English professor (but not the punctuation skills. I suck at that).  

The days I’m bloated, and stressed, and ready to pull my hair out, walking around with a huge zit on my face.  Although…..

There are some days that I do dress up. I do wear something pretty and femanine, I curl my hair and take my time to put on some make up. I take off my glasses and put my contacts in. These are the days that I feel beautiful inside and out. My husband tells me regularly that he thinks I’m beautiful, but I don’t always see it.  

These are the times I love being a girl.

January Reads.

January-
1. Christmas at Friday Harbor~Lisa Kleypas
2. Spirit Bound~ Richelle Mead
3. The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey~Walter Mosley.
4. American Rose A Nation Laid Bare The Life & Times of Gypsy Rose Lee~ Karen Abbott

5. Ape House~ Sara Gruen
6. Julia’s Chocolates~Cathy Lamb (READ THIS BOOK!)
7. Practical Magic~ Alice Hoffman
8. Darkfever~Karen Marie Moning
9.Last Sacrifice~ Richelle Mead

Dreaming.

Igot into an arguement with my husband yesterday. Well it was more of a hypothetical conversation that turned into me getting more and more angry and resulted in my flushing the toilet while he was in the shower.

We were talking and he said something about how if he ever left me he’d take our boys and move to The Great White North (Minnesota. The ice fishing is better there) and I told him that he needed to keep dreaming. Because how would he do it? He can’t watch the kids for more than 2.5 hours without having anxiety issues (He has really bad PTSD from being in the Army).  So how would he be able to raise our 2 boys all by himself? He says How would you do it? I said the way I did it before I met you…..

But it just kept progressing…and progressing… and …. well you get the point. One of my biggest fears in the world is that someone will take my kids. Whether it’s my daughters father, or my husband leaving me and taking my boys. Or a stranger taking any or all of them. It doesn’t matter. So of course I dwelled on his stupid words all night. Now, I know he wasn’t serious. And I know I should just let it go, but it stuck with me, and I dreamed it happened last night. And it really got to me. I woke up at 4 am when his alarm went off, and I got up. I had this ball of dread sitting in the pit of my stomach, and I just couldn’t get past it. I wanted to just crawl in  a corner and just cry. Now if you know me, you know it takes a lot to make me cry. I see crying as a sign of weakness. And I don’t like to be weak. So the fact that all I wanted to do was cry at the feeling of dread in my stomach just made it worse.  I went back to bed after he left for work, and couldn’t go back to sleep. I ended up laying there for about an hour and a half before I finally fell back to sleep. And again started dreaming crazy. I woke up when my alarm went off and I got up with that feeling still lodged in my belly.  I can’t shake it now, and I hate its existence. I want it to go away, and not return.

I don’t like that I can’t shake the feeling that something horrible is going to happen today.

Number 8.

Yesterday was my sisters baby shower. She is 37 years old and pregnant with her 8th child. Yes. You read that right. 8th.  My nieces and nephews range from 18-2 in age and they each have their own personality that is so different from each of their siblings that it’s amazing that they can all live in harmony.  My sister and brother in law are both Pastors, but they’re still extremely down to Earth and Crazy. I love them all like crazy. 

So we had her shower, this baby is another girl (there will be 6 girls and 2 boys in this troop after she’s born) and we had great food and fun times. I made the desserts, of course, and was able to give my name and number to a few ladies that loved what I made.

Lemon and Strawberry Cupcakes~

These were followed closely by the Sea Salt Truffles I have perfected and are so amazingly good. They just melt in your mouth they’re so good. Not that I’m bragging or anything..

Oh yeahhhh….

I didn’t really do much more than the desserts, and take the pictures. I just kind of sat around and enjoyed the day and the time spent with the family.  I did, however make “Cupcakes” made out of baby wash cloths.  They turned out really cute.

Today is all about FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And Food. And More FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh…

Day 5 of no soda. My head is constantly pounding and it freaking SUCKS! But I’m trucking on. Still haven’t made it to the Y. My mom called and asked me to make her some cookies and brownies fro a pot luck at her work, and of course I said yes. So I made her 2 pans of brownies and about 6 dozen cookies. It was tough not to sit and eat all the dough, but I made it through.. with on a few nibbles.

Ugh. Double Ugh. That’s all I got.

And it continues…

Today is day 4 of no Dark Soda. I’ve cut down on the coffee as well. I went from drinking a full pot of coffee a day to drinking 2-3 cups. The caffiene withdrawal is killing me already. I haven’t made it to the YMCA yet to do my initial weigh in, but I have plans to go tomorrow. I’ve been babysitting the last few days and just haven’t gotten there.

I did really well on the food yesterday. Oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, a bagel with peanut butter for a snack. A huge salad with cucumbers, mushrooms, green peppers, hard boiled eggs, and tuna. Light Ranch on it. I had a hand full of semi-sweet chocolate chips after the kids got out of school, and then Chicken Chimichangas…baked, not fried… and Spanish Rice for dinner. I left about 3-4 bites of each left on my plate. I figure I can still eat normally, but cut back my portions and try to make some changes to make it a bit healthier. The enchalada filling was actually really good and only used 2 things canned. Diced tomatoes, and chilies. Everything else I chopped and measured myself. I drank my water, just kept filling my glass. Figured if I just keep filling it, eventually I’ll get used to having a glass of water near by and actually need it there. I want to get some club soda and some different juices that I can mix together. Grapefruit, Cranberry, Pomegranate. Pineapple and some fresh Limes. I am going to do this, this time. I can’t turn 30 and be over weight. I don’t want to turn out like my mom and struggle with my weight for the rest of my life.

Oatmeal so far today…and coffee. Will start with the water soon.

New Year… New Me… hopefully.

Here is the deal. I need to loose 50 lbs. And I need to do it right and in a healthy way. I have 5 months until Summer. And I would like, for once in my life, to feel good in a swimming suit. I need to start eating better, and start doing some serious portion control. I am going to start blogging my goals, my meals, and recipes I try that are good. I will do a weekly weigh in and hopefully the pounds will start dwindling. Here’s to a smaller me, and better eating.

Pray for me. Please. I need all the help I can get.